Friday, August 04, 2006

HIATUS

The King will be on hiatus for an indefinite period of time. Douchebags, don't get too comfortable!

Monday, July 31, 2006

MYSTERY DOUCHEBAG

There is someone who has catapulted to the top of the douchebag world. Find out who this is here. It's a pretty easy guess...

Thursday, July 27, 2006

FLOYD LANDIS IS A JACKASS


Does that champagne have testosterone in it, too?

Breaking News from ESPN:

Tour de France champion Floyd Landis tested positive for high levels of testosterone during the race, his Phonak team said Thursday on its Web site.

The statement came a day after the UCI, cycling's world governing body, said an unidentified rider had failed a drug test during the Tour.

The Swiss-based Phonak team said it was notified by the UCI on Wednesday that Landis' sample showed "an unusual level of testosterone/epitestosterone" when he was tested after stage 17 of the race last Thursday.

Landis made a remarkable comeback in that Alpine stage, racing far ahead of the field for a solo win that moved him from 11th to third in the overall standings. He regained the leader's yellow jersey two days later.


Whatever happened to just competing and doing your best? Why do these asshole athletes risk everything by injecting themselves with shit?

The Tour de France people have been up Lance Armstrong's ass for YEARS (and haven't found a thing). If you're taking/doing something besides eating a plateful of pasta and a couple liters of water, you WILL get caught. So WHY the FUCK do you do it? Everyone applauds your victory for a day or two, and now for the rest of your life you will be seen as a cheater--scum, basically.

Landis' mother after the victory: "People would come up to us and say, 'He is a man of honor. He would be a good image for young bicyclers to say, 'you can do it, you can just never give up'."

I bet she's real proud of you now, bonehead.

After the race, columnist Andrew Hood wrote of Landis: "A legend was born." That legend is dead now. Way to go, douchebag.

Friday, July 21, 2006

YOU'RE DOING A HECK OF A JOB, GEORGIE


Cocksucker-In-Chief

President Bush vetoed his first piece of legislation after five and a half years in office. The bill would have provided federal funding for embryonic stem cell research. (Embryonic stem cells are far more versatile than Adult stem cells). He held an event at the White House to pander to his radical right-wing Christian douchebag base, using young children as pawns.

Said Bush:

"This bill would support the taking of innocent human life in the hope of finding medical benefits for others...It crosses a moral boundary that our decent society needs to respect. So I vetoed it."


Wait a second--"the taking of innocent life" for the benefit of others...sounds familiar, like the 100,000 Iraqi civilians that have died since our invasion.

Also from the article:

Scientists say stem cells could be a renewable source of replacement cells and tissues to treat Parkinson's and Alzheimer's diseases, spinal cord injuries, diabetes, strokes, burns and more.


Eh, who wants a cure for these terrible ailments anyway, right? Fuck you, Bush. I hope your daughter Jenna gets diabetes, I hope your mother Barbara has a stroke, your wife Laura gets third degree burns all over her body, and that Poppa Bush gets crippled during one of his sky-diving adventures:



In a letter to the editor in the NYTimes, this woman wrote:

It’s easy for President Bush, whose children are healthy and whole, to maintain a so-called moral stance against embryonic stem cell research. For those of us whose kids suffer with disabilities and chronic illness, the sanctimonious pretense that unused stem cell lines destined for likely destruction are more important than our living children is infuriating.

If the president ever had to hold his child while she cried because she can’t climb on the monkey bars like other children, I imagine he might decide that the real pro-life stance is to fully support the healing potential these cells can provide.

Cheryl Fries
Austin, Tex., July 20, 2006


One little side note: the stem cell lines in question are set to be discarded. Yes, you heard that right--THESE CELLS WILL BE DESTROYED ANYWAY!!!.

On top of all this, Bush is a hypocrite. If stem cell research is immoral, why doesn't he ban private actors from doing it? The bill he vetoed only affects federal funding of stem cell research.

The root cause of all of this is, as it usually is, religion. Namely, the wacko Christian Conservative Religious Right brainwashed fucks in this country. But that is a whole other post.

Bush you are officially the world's biggest nutsack. Oh and way to grope Germany's Chancellor, douchebag.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

I HATE STUPID DRIVERS


Where were you today crobar man? I needed you!

I HATE driving. I used to love driving--it was fresh, new, liberating--now it is just nerveracking. I live in the NYC area, which is home to some of the worst drivers in the world. It's bad enough year round, but the douchebags seem to multiply in hot weather. Today, it was close to 100 degrees Fahrenheit. And all of the douchebags were driving. The following all happened today, on my way to and from work:

Incident 1: I am driving slightly above the speed limit in the middle lane (well within the flow of traffic). I have to start braking as a) there is a bus in the left lane veering into my lane, and b) the right lane is about to be closed off and people are merging in front of me. So what do the douchebags behind me do? They speed into the slow lane, which is closing, then cut right in front of me, then brake completely to avoid hitting the car in front of me. And this was all within a three second span. I don't brake for the hell of it, assholes.

Incident 2: I was driving in the fast lane as the middle lane had large slow moving trucks in it, and the right had traffic merging. I, again driving with traffic, approach a car going the speed limit. Cars begin speeding by in the middle lane, darting in front of the slow bastard in front of me. He actually begins to go slower, forcing me to brake, and making it harder for me to merge into the lane with the speeding cars. I flash my lights to no avail. I keep looking in my mirror to safely pass into the middle lane and eventually pass the softcock. If you're in the fast lane and are going below the speed limit, I hope you get shot.

Incident 3: I am cruising in the middle lane, but a cab in front of me keeps veering into the left and right lanes and varying his speed. I decide to pass him. Of course he speeds up. There is a car tailing me, but I can't get back over because of the asshole in the middle lane. I increase my speed to 20 mph over the speed limit. Now, I can't get over because motherfuckers going 90 mph are passing the cab in the middle lane via the slow lane, and cutting in front of him. I eventually make it over.

Incident 4: I am again in the middle lane. This time the left lane is completely free of cars. In the right lane there is a slow-moving truck. Some douchebag thinks he's a fucking NASCAR driver in his piece of shit 1990 light blue Jeep Cherokee, and even though it is physically impossible to pass me, speeds up to the truck and cuts in front of me with reckless abandon. I brake, narrowly preventing an accident.

Incident 5: I am driving in my home city now on a two-lane residential road. There is a car coming in the opposite direction slowly--the car behind it doesn't feel like waiting so he tries to pass him via my lane, driving RIGHT AT ME. I completely stop, utter obscenities, and give him a view of my middle finger. Again, had I not braked there would have been an ugly crash--and it wouldn't have been my fault.

All of you people (especially the nutsack in the Jeep Cherekee) should die in a fiery crash before you kill someone.

Friday, July 14, 2006

OH NO, BARBARO!


ABOVE: Can you tell it's Barbaro? Of course not, it's just a fucking horse.

Much of America has been caught up in the story of 'Barbaro', the horse that won the Kentucky Derby and was a favorite to win the Preakness several weeks ago. But seconds after starting, Barbaro shattered bones in his leg.

Then, as reported by the AP:

"Race fans [six weeks ago] at Pimlico wept and within 24 hours the entire nation seemed to be caught up in a "Barbaro watch," waiting for any news of his surgery and condition."


Today, the one millionth update on this story, also from the AP:

"[The veterinarian] Dr. Richardson, told a packed news conference Thursday that the 3-year-old colt has a severe case of the disease laminitis in his left hind leg, and termed his prognosis as "poor."


Hold on, folks, I need to put down this box of Kleenex and collect myself...

Why the fuck is it a 'packed news conference'? I don't know what laminitis is and I don't care. I am sick and tired of seeing constant updates about this on ESPN and even mainstream news outlets. (It is a headline story on the websites of CNN, Fox News, CBS News, MSNBC, and ABC as I write this). To put things in perspective for my non-US audience, this story has received more coverage than the Zidane incident.

I don't give two shits about a damn horse. Israel and Lebanon are trading rockets, North Korea is trying to acquire nukes, and Iraq is, well, Iraq. Maybe you'll tell me that sports journalists have to report on sports even during dangerous events. You're absolutely right. And I have no problem with showing me baseball highlights to temporarily distract me from President Bush's foreign policy debacles. But to talk about the health of a race horse when scores of people are dying across the globe--now you've gone too far. Plus, horse racing is barely even a sport. It's gambling with live animals.

Barbaro's jockey said, "All we can do now is hope and pray. We'll need a miracle, but maybe it will happen."

How about praying for world peace? Or a cure for AIDS? I will be praying, too, alright--that all you douchebags get euthanized too!

Sunday, July 09, 2006

SACRE BLEUS!

Holy shit, Zinedine Zidane made a hilariously stupid play that will forever taint his legacy. After appearing to have words with Marco Materazzi of Italy, Zidane turned towards him, lowered his head, and slammed it into Materazzi's chest. It was so random and unexpected, that I couldn't help but laugh. Like, what douchebag would risk costing his team the game in his own last game of his career and in the waning minutes of a World Cup final? And this was not Zizou's first blow-up on the pitch.

MSNBC's Filip Bondy:

Imagine Michael Jordan head-butting John Stockton, acting like Dennis Rodman instead of making the winning shot.

It is an absurd notion, but there you have it. Zinedine Zidane goes into the history books now as a knucklehead, not a genius. He went out like a thug, butting Marco Materazzi, when he might have gone out the hero.
...
This was a blatant, stupid foul in the 110th minute, and not the first time he’d done something so loony. Zidane had committed the same foul a half dozen years ago when he was playing for Juventus in the Champions League, another head butt against Hamburg. He’d stomped on a Saudi player at the 1998 World Cup, getting suspended then for two matches.

There were hints of his anger, just minutes before the head butt. Zidane had given a ball back to Italy, as required by etiquette, but he purposely knocked it out along the sideline for a difficult throw-in, rather than kick it to Buffon. This infuriated the Italians.

Moments later, he was backpedaling with Materazzi, far from the ball, exchanging a little trash talk, when the madness overtook him. He made no attempt to disguise the head butt, which was seen not by the referee, Horacio Elizondo, but by a referee’s assistant, a linesman.



The backward dive--another Italian soccer innovation



"Bow down to a true pimp, bitch!"



"What, Mr. Referee, I didn't just slam my forehead into Marco's sternum!"

I'd LOVE to post a picture of Zidane's head actually slamming into Materazzi's chest but I can't find one ANYWHERE, most notably fifaworldcup.com, which has 180 pictures of everything EXCEPT the headbutt. Trying to maintain some dignity for him, FIFA? Guess what--you're wasting your time. The pictures above are from FOX Sports.

It's bullshit that Italy wins the Cup after the faux Australia penalty kick. Right now though, I can't get over the head butt. What a bonehead!

As for my predictions, I picked the winners right, although the final was admittedly much tighter than I expected.

UPDATE - Hooray for YouTube! Here's the video:


Play it over and over again. I know I did!

UPDATE 2 - From what I have gleaned, Materazzi had his arm wrapped around Zidane and may have "tweaked" his nipple. If that's the case, my best guess of the words that were exchanged is this:

ZIDANE: OW, don't touch my nipple you faggot!

Materazzi: Faggot?...I was doing that to your mother last night!

ZIDANE: Oh yeah? Your mother was screaming 'Zizou, Zizou' before the match!

Materazzi: Nobody talks about my mother like that, you fake Frenchman! You Algerian, you're really an African.

ZIDANE (walking away slowly): African! Now you've gone too far. Don't make me headbutt your ass!

Materazzi: Do it, I dare you!

ZIDANE (turning around, lowering head): Fine, bitch!


UPDATE 3 - Adrian over at Boom Bang-a-Bang has a good summary of the media speculation on what was actually said between Zidane and Materazzi.

Saturday, July 08, 2006

WORLD CUP 2006 - A TIME FOR DOUCHEBAGS



This world cup has been ugly and the officiating has been a disaster. Sepp Blatter should be fired as head of FIFA. They also have to institute some kind of instant replay. No, I'm not a dumb American trying to change the game, but so many times the outcome of a game will turn on one bad call. Coaches should be able to 'challenge' one call a game where the referee can watch a video replay and be allowed to change his ruling if the evidence warrants it.

My Predictions for today and tomorrow:

3rd PLACE: Despite everything I mentioned above, Germany has done a good job as a country hosting the Cup. The stadiums were great and violence was controlled and limited. Their team also played a more appealing brand of soccer than its previous versions. In this game, Portugal won't dive to a victory--Germany 2-1 in overtime.

The FINAL: Les Peus vs. Dirty Azzurri

France is extremely overrated. Yes, they beat Brazil--but Brazil was poorly coached and the players didn't pressure defensively at all. The only goal in that game was when Thierry Henry was COMPLETELY UNMARKED. Against Portugal, France were thoroughly outplayed in the second half, and were lucky to get a somewhat controversial penalty call.

As for the Dirty Azzurri, they will win tomorrow. They won't have to dive because France, like I said, is overrated. Their defense is better than Portugal's meaning Zidane won't touch the ball. Italy also has better strikers, so I see this one going 2-0 or 3-0 to the Douchebags (as much as it pains me to say it).

To poster 'El Croncho': Francia es un regalo. Vay a infierno con su mierda de equipo de Italia!

MARRIAGE IS BULLSHIT

BEFORE THE WEDDING:


6 MONTHS LATER:

I met a friend of an old friend, who I'll refer to as "R", yesterday while shopping. Naturally, I asked R's friend if he'd spoken to him lately. He said yes, and that he's MARRIED NOW. My jaw dropped. This was additionally shocking to me as I surprisingly discovered that a 23-year-old co-worker of mine is engaged to be married.

R is 24 and hasn't finished college yet. R very much loved going out and spending time with various women. I'm not here to tell people never to get married. But I AM here to tell them they are making stupid choices and that they are douchebags.

Comedian Bill Maher, host of HBO's Real Time With Bill Maher, who is 50 and single said this about marriage in 2002:

"I realize there are millions of people who are happy married. I would estimate the percentage at around 20 to 25 percent. Half get divorced, and half of the half stay married and not happy."


Those numbers are about right. The National Center for Health Statistics in the United Staes has the divorce rate at almost half the marriage rate (3.7 divorces versus 7.8 marriages per 1,000 people). And we all know a shitload of couples who stay married but hate each other. Marriage works for some couples, but it doesn't for most. Yet most people will get married! Hence, they are dumb-ass motherfuckers. People are playing the lottery, thinking it won't happen to them, or underestimating the likelihood of it happening to them. It is also extremely selfish, as many couples who do get divorced have children from their marriage and put a strain on them.

Marriage is unnatural. It runs counter to the male impulse to have as many partners as possible. How can you be in your early twenties and commit yourself to one person, and then spend the next 50 years looking at other women (or men), thinking 'what could have been' or 'God I want to fuck her (his) hot ass' ?

Marriage has been around for millenia, although in different forms. The institution of marriage has been propped up artificially by religion and 'custom'. Arranged marriages used to be the norm, where a 30 year old stranger would buy someone's 13 year old daughter. In some cultures, polygamy is the norm. As for Western culture, the Christian Church chose to keep marriage from the Romans, but declined to keep things like concubinage and prostitution. As a result, we condemn those two but embrace marriage just because some douchebag priests (who were probably violating their vows of celibacy) told us to. Dumb tradition is what it is. Now that we live in an era of unfettered personal freedom, surprise, surprise, fewer people are doing it (wisely), and huge numbers of people are getting divorced (shouldn't have gotten married in the first place!).

Cohabitation before marriage, although it can help in some cases, isn't the answer either. Hollywood is probably a bad sample to choose from, but take the example of actress Helen Hunt and actor Hank Azaria. They dated for close to 3 years, then lived together for almost another 3, then got married, then divorced after a year and a half.

Marriage inevitably leads to some level of complacency. It is human nature to think, well I don't have to shower today, because my wife won't leave me if I don't. Or, I can eat these 10 chili cheese hot dogs because if I gain 300 pounds I'll still be married.

If you're two loyal people who are genuinely bent on monogamy, fine, give it a shot. If it doesn't work--well, I warned you. And to everyone else: fuck you, assholes. (And that means you too, 'R'!)

UPDATE: MSNBC video: When "I do" means no sex.

Monday, July 03, 2006

AMERICAN JINGOIST



This is Independence Day Weekend in America. A holiday of fireworks, barbecues, and mindnumbing flag-waving. Yes I said it, report me to the CIA.

Don't be an idiot. We don't live in a country that's that free (see attempt at passing a flag burning law). And we certainly aren't fighting for the freedom of the Iraqi people.

The definition of jingoism is: "Extreme nationalism characterized especially by a belligerent foreign policy; chauvinistic patriotism." Holy fucking shit, this describes America EXACTLY.

This past friday, Republican lawmakers tried to pass a flag-burning amendment. It required 67 votes, and fell only one vote short.

Joy Day, of Terry Stulce for Congress, a Democratic Congressional campaign, put it best:

The “Flag Protection Amendment” was nothing less than clumsy jingoism meant to exploit Americans’ love of their country and distract them from this administration’s long list of failures. I would be very disappointed if my fellow Americans weren’t clever enough to see past the flag waving to the cynical motives behind it. And I will be even more disappointed if they do not send a clear message to Washington in November: we are not that gullible, we will not be manipulated by such cheap shenanigans, we will not be distracted from your utter failure of leadership and vision, and we WILL send you home.


Do you know how many incidents of flag burning were reported in the US last year? FOUR. The year before it was THREE. And some motherfuckers were reporting this as a 33% increase, to scare more people into supporting this breach of freedom of speech.

What we've seen since 9/11 is the exploitation of this tragedy by Bush and his administration to pursue their own self-serving motives. Anyone with half a brain knows that it wasn't about WMD. Bush even wanted to paint a plane in UN colors so that Saddam would shoot at it and he would have another reason for going to war.
Surprisingly, 60 million Americans voted for this douchebag, and most of those still spprove of his performance.

We have talking heads like Sean Hannity on 'fair and balanced' news channels saying that you're not free if you're dead--in response to civil liberties concerns with the Patriot Act, surveillance programs, etc. Well I think the Iraqis feel the same way, douchebag! 127,000 Iraqis have died since invasion--and we are supposedly fighting for their "freedom." The hypocrisy reeks.

An eloquent piece by Ray Cassin written a month before the invasion:

"On the President's own testimony, a lot of things have already been decided. Such as that the administration will no longer be constrained by the need to identify a clear and imminent threat before launching a military attack. Since when have dictators given notice of their intentions, the President asked, blithely ignoring the fact that resort to pre-emptive attacks of the kind he advocates has in the past been a characteristic of the rogue states he claims to be protecting us from. If he feels free to violate international law just because he can, on what basis does he condemn them? Contempt for international law and the order it sustains is what defines a rogue state.

And not only will the US make war on whomever it wishes, whenever it wishes, it is prepared to use "the full force and might" of its military. This is apparently a declaration that the US no longer regards its nuclear arsenal as a deterrent only. Is it to be used against those who possess weapons of mass destruction? The contradictions multiply.

This is what is new in the world: a superpower so enraged at the September 11 attack upon it, and so convinced of its divine mandate, that it is prepared to trample on the international order it purports to be defending. George Bush's America has come a long way from that of Franklin Roosevelt and his four freedoms. The obfuscators are not only wrong to compare Hitler and Saddam; they also do violence to history when they ignore the ideals of those who defeated Hitler."

Independence Day is now Jingoism Day. Wave your flag, or be a traitor.

AND WHAT DO YOU KNOW, the launching of the space shuttle was "delayed" until the 4th. Now millions of American families will sit around picnic tables feeling "proud" that we sent a billion dollar hunk of metal into space.

WAYNE ROONEY IS A NUTJOB


CAPTION FROM BBC: Things get worse after an hour when Wayne Rooney stamps on Portugal defender Ricardo Carvalho's testicles

England lost to Portugal on penalty kicks on Saturday. The turning point in the game was Rooney's red card received 15 minutes into the 2nd half. Much ado has been made about Cristiano Ronaldo's lobbying of the referee after the foul to Carvalho. I would love to urinate on Ronaldo--he did give a wink after the play, but I think Rooney is the one who really deserves to be drowned in a pool of piss.

As to be expected, his teammates came to Rooney's defense:

Fellow midfielder Frank Lampard: "He's supposed to be a teammate of Wayne's at Manchester United and he does something like that. It's not nice, is it? A lot has been made of trying to promote fair play in this tournament and that was certainly not fair play. Unfortunately that's the way it is with some players. We were told that anyone who tried to get someone else a yellow or red card would get a yellow but it just hasn't happened."

"I saw what Ronaldo did," said Steven Gerrard, according to English reports. "I saw him going over to the referee and giving him the card and I think he was bang out of order. If he were one of my teammates I would be absolutely disgusted with him...After Wayne was sent off he (Ronaldo) winked at his bench and his teammates and that just about sums him up as a person. If I were playing against a teammate from Liverpool and they were involved in a situation like that I would never try to get them sent off."


Ronaldo did not step on Carvalho's balls--Rooney did. And it was intentional. That alone was a red card offense. The referee came over and checked on Carvalho. Next, Ronaldo ran up to the scene of the play--as anyone on England would have done. The argument that Ronaldo shouldn't have "done that" to Rooney, a teammate of his at Manchester United, is fucking ridiculous. I wouldn't expect Rooney or Hargreaves or any English player to not do the same thing because he plays with a player who stomped on his teammate's balls. Next, as if stepping on Carvalho's package wasn't enough, Mr. Hothead pushed Ronaldo for complaining about the obviously malicious tackle by Rooney. Even if you believe the stomping wasn't worthy of a direct red, Rooney's subsequent unsportsmanlike shove was a second yellow. He left his team out to dry in a highly contested game in the quarterfinals of the World Cup.


Rooney is a maniac. He should be put in a straight jacket and in a padded room. From CNNSI.com:

The Sun reported that Rooney threatened to "split [Ronaldo] in two" when the two next meet.

The Daily Mail reported that an irate Rooney tried to get into the Portugal dressing room after the match before senior players stepped in and warned he was putting his career in jeopardy.

To Lampard and Gerrard, I say: douchebags, if you hit your penalties you could have won. You wouldn't have treated it differently than Ronaldo.

And as for Ronaldo flopping, Rooney fell at least five times looking for cheap foul calls against Ecuador.

Fan commentaries from CNNSI:

1. I had no rooting interest in either side before the game began. Rooney deserved the red card, Ronaldo didn't earn it for him. Now, Rooney's threats expose him as the hooligan who probably caused England the match. Because Portugal was so inept with the one man advantage I began to root for an English victory. Wathcing the PK's however, Portugal earned the victory based on their goal keepers performance alone. Was he that good, or was England that bad?

2. Rooney is a wonderful talented player who can't control his temper, which could keep him from reaching his potential. To blame Ronaldo for his teenage-like behavior (like stepping on a player's groin), Rooney is misplacing responsibility. In the World Cup, Ronaldo doesn't owe Rooney a thing...

3. I can't believe the infantile comments from Rooney and the Fleet Street press. Take some responsibility for your life; if you deliberately kick somebody in the groin, you get thrown out of the game. It is ridiculous for the English to suggest/expect that because Ronaldo plays in the Premiership, he should somehow not do everything he can to help Portugal win, including pleading an obvious red card to the refs (as if nobody else complains).

4. How is it possible that English press say that Rooneys sent off was due to Ronaldos coments, did anybody see what Rooney did? and cant they just accept the fact that thy cant score penalty kicks when the preasure is high ? England lost due to there inabilit to deliver period.

5. Rooney stomped Carvalho's balls for crying out loud. In the rest of the world that's the worst foul of the tournament. In Spanish it's called an auto-expulsion. Rooney is the idiot all the England fans would like to be, and he has done this crap over and over again. Of course Ronaldo's a punk, but after all it was Rooney who pushed Ronaldo, not the other way around.

6. IMHO too many bad sports in England. Blaming Ronaldo for getting Rooney thrown out!?! Give me a break....

Some dissenting views:

1. As for Portugal not being a dirty team all you need to do is look at which team has recieved the most red & yellow cards. Rooney if he stamped he deserved to be sent off but what was the need for Ronaldo to run 40 yards across the pitch to speak to the ref?

2. Cavalho dogged Rooney from behind and lurched in. Did Cavalho think he would win the ball that way? Why didn't the ref blow the whistle earlier? Where was protecting player from tackle behind? Why didn't C Ronaldo get booked for influencing referee?

Rooney lost his head, which he often does, and cost his team the opportunity to win the game. I know the English are pointing to Cristiano Ronaldo, but England (and especially Rooney) have to take a look in the mirror for this one.

Friday, June 30, 2006

FUCK ITALY, GO GERMANY


Das is good

UPDATE--

The douchebags won in overtime, 2-0. Now it's France or Portugal vs The DIRTY AZZURRI for the title.

WHO DO YOU HATE?

I'd like to create a ranking of all the douchebags in the world. Well there's far too many...maybe just a Top 100. Post a comment and nominate a douchebag.

Thursday, June 29, 2006

RANDOM DOUCHEBAG OF THE DAY


Somewhere under there is Roger Dier.

Today's random douchebag of the day is Roger Dier, a California man who had 1,300 rats removed from his home by Animal Control. He initially bought some as pets, then they bred and bred and bred--like rats.

The story is unbelievable:

"I did not set out to do this," he told the newspaper. "I do acknowledge irresponsibility and there's a case for laziness, denial, incompetence and just plain foolishness."

"It was this force of nature that overwhelmed me," he said.

It started four years ago when Dier bought a baby rat to feed his pet Indian python, he told the newspaper. When he saw the creature squeaking for its life, he did not have the heart to let it become a snack, he said.

"I couldn't stand it," he said. "I took the rat out of the cage and got to know it."

After that, Dier was hooked on the rodents, which he described as gentle, lovable and an endless source of entertainment. He later bought four more at the pet store -- but did not think to spay or neuter them, the paper reported.

Dier's house in a quiet middle-class neighborhood in Petaluma reeks of urine, and the floor is covered with the feed mixed with rat droppings, and gnawed walls, according to The Press Democrat.

When animal control officers arrived after a neighbor called about a foul smell, they found some rats stacked six deep in cages so overcrowded that many had missing eyes and limbs.


What the fuck was this asshole thinking? What douchebag what want to have a rat as a pet, much less several? What douchebag would expect the rats to not multiply?

What fucking pig would live in a house smelling like urine and have rat shit all over the place? He says he was lonely. Get a real pet, then, like a dog. He says he was lazy. No, lazy is not doing your laundry, not living in a sewer. He says he was depressed. So, filling your house with vermon gave you some kind of pleasure? There are plenty of drugs--illegal and legal--which could have helped you out.

He says he took the first rat out of the cage and "got to know it." What did it tell you, douchebag? That its parents abandoned it? Did it want to get out of the sewer and start a new life? I don't have to get to know a rat to know its a disgusting, vile creature that seeks to multiply incessantly. Nobody had to squeak that into my ear.

And taxpayer money was used to get rid of them. Roger Dier, you are my Random Douchebag of the Day.

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

I CAN'T BELIEVE I FORGOT TO WRITE A POST ON HOW MUCH I HATE THIS MAN


Look honey, there's a monkey jumping on Oprah's couch...oh wait, sorry, it's only Tom Cruise...

Forbes magazine has named Tom Cruise the world's #1 celebrity, beating out the likes of Oprah, Tiger Woods, Steven Spielberg, and rapper 50 Cent. He came to fame through movies like Risky Business, Top Gun, and more recently, the Mission Impossible series.

He has jumped off the deep end since converting to Scientology, and he thinks psychiatric medicine is wrong (Well, that explains a lot doesn't it, Tom?). Oh, and Cruise was abused by his father and abandoned by him at the age of eleven. I'm sure that aided his psychological development.

I can't take this SOFTCOCK seriously--everytime I see a trailer for a new movie of his, I can only think of the beady-eyed psycho who appeared on Today with Matt Lauer. I can't believe Katie Holmes is still with this douchebag. I would tend to think that a boyfriend who is in a CULT would be a turn off, but maybe I'm not 'open-minded' enough. If Katie Holmes' body were to wash up on a California beach, I would not be surprised. Don't think it's a cult? They say he is in one of the highest echelons of Scientology, the "Operating Thatan Seven". Besides the fact that that sounds like something out of Star Trek, the notion of increasing in rank is typical of cults.

It is reported that Cruise performed many of his stunts on Mission: Impossible 3. Couldn't any of the stage hands, like, cut a hole in a safety net or something? And now he has done one of the worst things any crazy ass motherfucker can do--he spawned a child with Holmes 2 months ago. I'm sorry for you, kiddo, you're gonna be the most fucked up and deranged of all the fucked up and deranged Hollywood children. I bet you 10 bucks Suri Holmes Cruise develops a drug habit by the age of 10 and kills herself by the age of 16. Any takers?

Cruise even said he would eat Holmes' placenta after giving birth in an interview with GQ magazine. He then said it was a joke. Not surprisingly, normal people did NOT find this funny. You are a stomach-turning disgusting fuck.

And the worst thing Cruise is responsible for--he took Isaac Hayes from South Park. Hayes became a scientologist and left the show when they parodied the "religion." We loved you chef. Your oversexed voiceover of the character 'Chef' added much-needed perversion to bland standard cable television. Now you are a Tom Cruise disciple--go put on a black robe and drink some "spirit juice" and follow that comet in the sky.

You are a sick dickwad, Cruise, I am sick of hearing you and seeing you. I hope you go away and die.

Monday, June 26, 2006

THE ITALIAN DIVING TEAM


Someone please shoot this douchebag. Please!

Fuck Italy. Yeah, that's right, I said it Vinny. Your national team is a bunch of cocksuckers. How much money did you give/how many threats did you make to the referee this time. YOu guys seem pretty used to it--your top club teams are mired in a referee payoff scandal.

Today, after 94 minutes of valiant Australian play, Italy's Gross-o flops in the box with 10 seconds left, and the Italians are handed the game.

Disagree? Here are some posts from deadspin.com to prove my point:

1."What a horrible way to finish. Australia’s hearts are ripped out, after being the better side, and another terrible officiating performance has ruined yet another World Cup game. Someone tell Sepp Blatter that his officiating has ruined this tourney, and it’s bound to get worse...My heart goes out to the Aussies, who were the better team today, and did not deserve that awful call. Horrid."

2."How can I most eloquently express my feelings about this game? I'm going to go with:

Fuck Italy."

3.Before the penalty kick call:"The Italian Diving Team is at it again. At least the ref's not falling for most of it.

I can't even describe how much I loathe the Italians and their bullshit."

4."Wow, and I thought the US got screwed. Sorry Aussies, that penalty call was truly fucked."

5."And another World Cup soccer match is decided by cheating and flopping."

6."COCKAMAMIE HORSESHIT CALL.

Will no one in Germany do the civil service of hitting the Italian soccer players in their throats with a crescent wrench?"

7."Watching the Italians is making me hate the beautiful game - and I've been a fan since going to a US-Costa Rica qualifier in 1989. I also traveled a bit in Italy and love the Italian people, but I hate these f*ckers and the way they play."

CNNSI's Mark Bechtel: "There was contact, to be sure, but Grosso could easily have avoided it. Instead, he stepped on a prostrate Neill and went to ground. I know that the rules are supposed to be enforced evenly, to me, for the 93rd minute in the knockout stages of the World Cup game, it was a lame call."

Some posts from CNNSI's WC Blog:

1. I find it amazing that the PK is being defended. If a dive like that was commited early in the game it would have been a yellow card for diving. The reason Grosso didn't go down the first time is because there was nothing in that either. The extent of the foul was equal to the handball earlier by the Italians. Yes it hit half his arm, but no, it did not merit a PK to Australia.
Anyway FIFA got what they wanted.

2. That was a clear and shameless dive on the part of Grosso. He made sure to drag his left leg on Neill so as to give himself an excuse to take a flop.

This unfairly-given penalty kick was even worse than the unfairly-given one in the the USA-Ghana match. That one featured no foul at all; this one featured no foul at all PLUS a dive.

As far as I'm concerned, FIFA needs new management -- management that will crack down on dives and poor refereeing.

An MSNBC article on the Australian reaction:

“It just looked like he dived over him. Didn’t look like there was any contact,” said defender Scott Chipperfield.

Cahill was incensed, saying the Italian should have been yellow-carded for diving.

“I just can’t believe it, mate,” said Cahill. “We play all our lives to be honest on the pitch and to work hard and I suppose these days you fall over on the pitch and get a penalty, free kick whatever. It’s disappointing.

I’m furious. It’s unbelievable. The luck we’ve had with refereeing decisions this World Cup, everything’s been against us.”


Michael Davies of ESPN:
"Do you know why that definitely isn't a penalty? Because Giorgio Chinaglia was so adamant that it was. Can't believe that Wynalda didn't challenge him on that. Whenever my daughter falls over on purpose at the end of "Ring a Ring a Rosie" or whatever that dark, horrible, bubonic-plague-nostalgic nursery rhyme is called, she yells "Wo-oah!" And that's exactly what she screamed at the television when Fabio Grosso tripped deliberately over Lucas Neill's motionless body instead of just jumping over it. Proof that it was an absolutely intentional fall. She is completely impartial. Elmo doesn't play for either side."


...Italy now has a clear path to the Semis, as they play an uninspiring Ukrainian team. They don't deserve it one bit. Fuck you assholes. And your flag looks like the Mexican flag. HA!

Friday, June 23, 2006

I HATE BLOGGERS WHO FUCK WITH THE BLOGSPOT TOOLBAR

At the top of every blogspot page is that toolbar that has the options "search this blog", "flag", "next page", etc. I like to check out other blogs, so once in a while like to use the "next blog" feature. Most blogs suck donkey balls. Many are in foreign languages. But every once in a while I find one that is really good and I bookmark it.

There's just one thing that destroys this hobby of mine--cocksuckers who remove the toolbar from the page.

What, are you afraid someone's gonna leave your page? Then post some worthwhile shit, assholes. And it's a good thing, douchebags: people can find and be directed to your page. You want traffic don't you?

Blogspot, or Blogger, should delete your page if you remove the toolbar code. They should start out deleting the pages with thousands of posts that do this to teach you bastards a lesson.

And that's not the worst thing, either. The ABSOLUTE WORST is when people put pop-ups and other add-in codes which prompt you and shit. I went onto one page where I was prompted to enter a password. I was like, "What the fuck is this shit?" I had to 'X' out the page. When I did that ALL of my other browser windows closed. Fuck you, you stupid schmuck who did that. Blogspot should shoot you.