Tuesday, July 18, 2006


Where were you today crobar man? I needed you!

I HATE driving. I used to love driving--it was fresh, new, liberating--now it is just nerveracking. I live in the NYC area, which is home to some of the worst drivers in the world. It's bad enough year round, but the douchebags seem to multiply in hot weather. Today, it was close to 100 degrees Fahrenheit. And all of the douchebags were driving. The following all happened today, on my way to and from work:

Incident 1: I am driving slightly above the speed limit in the middle lane (well within the flow of traffic). I have to start braking as a) there is a bus in the left lane veering into my lane, and b) the right lane is about to be closed off and people are merging in front of me. So what do the douchebags behind me do? They speed into the slow lane, which is closing, then cut right in front of me, then brake completely to avoid hitting the car in front of me. And this was all within a three second span. I don't brake for the hell of it, assholes.

Incident 2: I was driving in the fast lane as the middle lane had large slow moving trucks in it, and the right had traffic merging. I, again driving with traffic, approach a car going the speed limit. Cars begin speeding by in the middle lane, darting in front of the slow bastard in front of me. He actually begins to go slower, forcing me to brake, and making it harder for me to merge into the lane with the speeding cars. I flash my lights to no avail. I keep looking in my mirror to safely pass into the middle lane and eventually pass the softcock. If you're in the fast lane and are going below the speed limit, I hope you get shot.

Incident 3: I am cruising in the middle lane, but a cab in front of me keeps veering into the left and right lanes and varying his speed. I decide to pass him. Of course he speeds up. There is a car tailing me, but I can't get back over because of the asshole in the middle lane. I increase my speed to 20 mph over the speed limit. Now, I can't get over because motherfuckers going 90 mph are passing the cab in the middle lane via the slow lane, and cutting in front of him. I eventually make it over.

Incident 4: I am again in the middle lane. This time the left lane is completely free of cars. In the right lane there is a slow-moving truck. Some douchebag thinks he's a fucking NASCAR driver in his piece of shit 1990 light blue Jeep Cherokee, and even though it is physically impossible to pass me, speeds up to the truck and cuts in front of me with reckless abandon. I brake, narrowly preventing an accident.

Incident 5: I am driving in my home city now on a two-lane residential road. There is a car coming in the opposite direction slowly--the car behind it doesn't feel like waiting so he tries to pass him via my lane, driving RIGHT AT ME. I completely stop, utter obscenities, and give him a view of my middle finger. Again, had I not braked there would have been an ugly crash--and it wouldn't have been my fault.

All of you people (especially the nutsack in the Jeep Cherekee) should die in a fiery crash before you kill someone.